I Was Convinced I Was a Homosexual Woman - The Music Icon Helped Me Realize the Reality

In 2011, a couple of years ahead of the renowned David Bowie show launched at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I declared myself a gay woman. Previously, I had only been with men, one of whom I had married. Two years later, I found myself approaching middle age, a recently separated caregiver to four kids, making my home in the US.

During this period, I had commenced examining both my gender identity and romantic inclinations, looking to find clarity.

My birthplace was England during the early 1970s - pre-world wide web. During our youth, my peers and I lacked access to online forums or digital content to turn to when we had questions about sex; conversely, we sought guidance from music icons, and during the 80s, musicians were experimenting with gender norms.

Annie Lennox donned male clothing, The flamboyant singer wore women's fashion, and musical acts such as popular ensembles featured members who were proudly homosexual.

I wanted his lean physique and sharp haircut, his strong features and male chest. I sought to become the Bowie's Berlin period

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time driving a bike and adopting masculine styles, but I returned to conventional female presentation when I chose to get married. My partner moved our family to the America in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an undeniable attraction back towards the masculinity I had earlier relinquished.

Given that no one challenged norms to the extent of David Bowie, I opted to spend a free afternoon during a warm-weather journey back to the UK at the V&A, with the expectation that perhaps he could provide clarity.

I was uncertain exactly what I was searching for when I walked into the display - perhaps I hoped that by submerging my consciousness in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, encounter a insight into my personal self.

Quickly I discovered myself standing in front of a compact monitor where the music video for "that track" was continuously looping. Bowie was moving with assurance in the front, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while positioned laterally three supporting vocalists dressed in drag crowded round a microphone.

Unlike the entertainers I had seen personally, these characters failed to move around the stage with the confidence of born divas; instead they looked unenthused and frustrated. Placed in secondary positions, they chewed gum and rolled their eyes at the monotony of it all.

"The song's lyrics, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, apparently oblivious to their reduced excitement. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their pronounced make-up, uncomfortable wigs and constricting garments.

They appeared to feel as awkward as I did in feminine attire - frustrated and eager, as if they were longing for it all to be over. Precisely when I recognized my alignment with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them tore off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Understandably, there were additional David Bowies as well.)

In that instant, I was absolutely sure that I aimed to shed all constraints and become Bowie too. I desired his lean physique and his sharp haircut, his angular jaw and his flat chest; I aimed to personify the lean-figured, artist's Berlin phase. However I was unable to, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Declaring myself as queer was a different challenge, but gender transition was a significantly scarier prospect.

I needed further time before I was willing. During that period, I did my best to adopt male characteristics: I ceased using cosmetics and eliminated all my skirts and dresses, trimmed my tresses and started wearing men's clothes.

I changed my seating posture, walked differently, and adopted new identifiers, but I stopped short of medical intervention - the possibility of rejection and second thoughts had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

Once the David Bowie exhibition concluded its international run with a engagement in New York City, five years later, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I found it impossible to maintain the facade to be something I was not.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I knew for certain that the challenge didn't involve my attire, it was my biological self. I didn't identify as a butch female; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been wearing drag all his life. I aimed to transition into the individual in the stylish outfit, performing under lights, and now I realized that I had the capacity to.

I made arrangements to see a doctor not long after. It took another few years before my transition was complete, but none of the fears I anticipated materialized.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so others regularly misinterpret me for a gay man, but I accept this. I sought the ability to play with gender like Bowie did - and since I'm at peace with myself, I have that capacity.